“The Book of Old Ones,” by “Scorpio,” is a small, sixty-seven page grimoire which utilizes the Cthulhu Mythos of H. P. Lovecraft.  The book treats the Old Ones, horrifying god-monsters from beyond reality, as helpful house-elves.  The thrust of the book is that Mythos abominations can be invoked easily to conveniently solve all sorts of common, every-day problems.  For those of you expecting a sanity-shattering book of evil, this is not it.

The tome begins with a brief introduction explaining the Mythos, and Scorpio's system of magic.  This introduction makes it clear that Scorpio did not do his homework when it comes to the Mythos he bases his belief system upon.  He links the Old Ones to the four elements as Derleth did, something Lovecraft never would have done.  He also attributes the discredited “black magic” quote to Lovecraft.

The introduction is broken up by two anecdotes which serve as mini-testimonials.  We are told that succesful Hong Kong businessman Fong Y. used the power of the Old Ones to cure his migraines.  Later, we learn that Paul B, a “frustrated young man,” used the power of the Old Ones to attract, and keep, a beautiful blonde.  This kind of story is repeated many times over the course of the book.

We then move on to Chapter One, “Secrets of the Necronomicon.”  One might assume that this chapter is about the Necronomicon.  That is not the case.  Instead, the author gives us a brief retelling of the story of Cthulhu, except that he dubs Cthulhu the “Lord of all Magic” and has him sealed away by Derleth's Elder Gods.  We are also told that the Elder Sign is simply a five-pointed star.  No branch, no burning eye, just a five pointed star.

The book then describes “the ritual of the Old Ones,” which will help you “align yourself with the magical power of the Old Ones.”  This seems like a really bad idea.  Why would any sane person want to get closer to what Lovecraft called “abysms of shrieking and immemorial lunacy?”

At the very end of the “Secrets of the Necronomicon” chapter, almost as an aside, the Necronomicon is finally mentioned.  “...the Necronomicon, the ancient hand-written tome containing the magic spells, chants, incantations, and other magical lore of the Old Ones.  The legend of this highly sought after book survives to this day.”  Two paragraphs later, we are told that “Any notebook will serve for your Personal Necronomicon...”  Highly sought-after, indeed.

Chapter Two, “Spells Work Mysteriously,” opens with the tale of Mira P, a poor Athenian woman who was handed a copy of a “Gold-Creating Spell” which we will later learn is an invocation to Cthulhu, Hastur, and Shub-Niggurath.  Shortly after casting the spell, she found some valuable ancient coins.  After repeatedly invoking the Old Ones, she was lifted out of poverty, and now lives in luxury.  Somehow she has not been eaten.

After the story of Mira, the book contains more instructions as to how to traffic with the Old Ones.  In subsequent chapters, the book provides spells to gain wealth, love, and sex, attain good health, learn secret knowledge, protect yourself from harm, destroy your enemies, change your luck, and win contests.  It's basically a self-help book using “the power of the Old Ones.”

The worst ideas in this book:

• “The first step is to find a place where you can create an 'opening' through which the Old Ones can be called.” (p. 13)
• “Close your eyes and take ten deep breaths.  Visualize Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of a Thousand Young, directly in front of you.” (p. 14)
• “The more who worship the Old Ones, the greater the Power invoked.” (p. 17)
• “When danger threatens, surround yourself with the powerful protective forces of Lord Cthulhu...” (p. 20)
• “The Old Ones work to your advantage... If you chance to perform a Spell or Ritual incorrectly, you will still see happy results, and you will never come to harm.” (p. 22)
• “They have the general appearance of gigantic white worms, but despite their appearance the Doel [sic] are benevolent in nature.” (p. 24)
• “How the Byakhee can bring love into your life” (p. 37)
• “How the Deep Ones can heal you” (p. 42)
• “How the Outer Ones can protect you from harm.” (p. 44)
• “The Magic that will bring Nyarlathotep to you” (p. 46)
• “The Old Ones will gladly accept the challenge of banishing misery brought by bad luck vibrations.” (p. 57)
• “...the servitors of Nyarlathotep caused and [sic] endless flow of words to reach him, and form the beginning of a self-help book.” (p. 65)
• “The Deep Ones Helped Kevin N. Regain His Lost Virility” (p. 66)