A Meditation on the Simon Necronomicon and its Rituals and Gates,
Being an Argument Against such Practices in 5 Parts

It must first be stated that Simon was a product of his times and, thus, that his Necronomicon, oft
mockingly called the 'Simonomicon', is also a product of said times. Simon was a member of the inner
sanctum of the Magickal Chylde store in downtown Manhattan, one of the principal centers of
metaphysical thought and magickal research during the 1970s-early 1980s. The other members of the
inner sanctum were known for throwing rather outlandish parties, involving the imbibing of large
quantities of liquor and the ingesting of hallucinogenic substances, as well as the use of other such
mechanisms for altering one's state of consciousness via chemical means.

It was at one such party that the inner sanctum, long since tired of having misguided fans of H.P.
Lovecraft and his ilk enter their store, convinced that Lovecraft lied when he claimed he invented the
Mad Arab's book as a plot device, and further convinced that Magickal Chylde, being an epicenter of
magickal thought, had at least one copy available for purchase, decided to craft such a book.

It must be noted that the inner sanctum crafter their fraud whilst under the influence of many
strange and assorted chemicals. That said, the book they crafted was replete with lies and omissions,
drawn from all and sundry's respective knowledge of the Occult Arts. In other words, they created a
book of traps, some more sinister than others. It is by mere negligence that the Simon Necronomicon
exists at all – each member of the inner sanctum agreed to destroy the book, then in draft form on various
scraps of paper, if they left the party last (it must be noted that Simon also agreed to this stipulation) –
Simon broke his word, however, and, instead of destroying the assorted traps, brought them together into
a pile and had the collection edited and published.

Thus, the book that was created as an act of passive-aggressive cathartic purging became a book
proper. Sales boomed, as the New Age movement hit with tsunami-like force, first along the West Coast
of the US, then spreading eastward to New York and Boston (and, it must be noted, suburbia). Through
this fad's explosion, sales skyrocketed, and frauds and snake-oil salesman sprung up. Although the so-called
'Simonomicon' should have been lost in the shuffle of fakes, frauds, pretenders, and the high noise,
low signal environment, instead it became a best-seller.

The notion that for every bad act done by a person, that person shall suffer as the result of
another's bad act was far from unknown to the inner sanctum of Magickal Chylde – they lived by that
rule (and its counterpart, that for every good act done by a person, that person shall benefit from the good
action of another). Their negligence in not destroying the pages that became Simon's Necronomicon, it
has been argued, brought about the store's downfall, as well as many and numerous personal tragedies.
Thus, the Simon Necronomicon, a book that was not supposed to exist, destroyed the epicenter of
magickal wisdom of its time, and made Simon quite wealthy. Sequels, of course, followed, although
their sales never managed to reach the same peak as the original.